I have spent the last two years of my life working as an engineer in startups. During this time, I have often wondered about my fulfillment in a technical sense. I think I can now firmly establish the fact that I need to put all my heart into the work that I do. Otherwise, it just wouldn’t make sense to me. And I wouldn’t feel motivated to work on the problems that are assigned to me.
I do understand that as an engineer, you will face some periods in your job that are drier than others, in terms of technical excitement. But, on a higher level, I still need to feel I am doing something important. The startup life has turned me into the kind of person that values time. I have a sense of urgency and I am almost always in a hacker mode. And this is really fun. Shipping things quickly and reliably gives me an adrenaline rush. I don’t know for how long I will keep getting this feeling but I am enjoying it while it lasts.
At the same time, there’s another side of me that thrives in slower, more deliberate exploration. I love open-ended research and deep dives into topics like math, computer networking, and gaming. Outside work, I’m not a fast-paced person. My ideal vacation involves lounging with a serene view and a cocktail, not ticking off every tourist activity on a checklist. Similarly, my explorations are often unhurried, driven more by curiosity than by deadlines. It’s the process of digging deeply, not necessarily reaching the finish line, that brings me joy.
But exploratory digging comes with a cost. The cost of time. And I don’t seem to have enough of it. I am still young in my career, trying to make it in this world, by providing engineering value in exchange for money in the short term and wealth in the long term. I hope for a future where I can conduct my research and study about various aspects in a way that I am financially free. Maybe I am a calm university research-oriented kinda guy who just got attracted by the fast-moving capitalistic world because the real world works on ruthless pragmatism whereas the education institutions I had to go through would enforce a wasteful kind of discipline that I felt like running away from.
So what gives me fulfillment? I believe it is a mix of research + study and doing important work of immediate business value. But, the weight of the former seems to keep increasing in my head as time passes. So I think I just we all could make the right amount of money to not worry about our existence while having fun doing exploratory indie hacking.
Vivek
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